Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
