did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
