You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
