my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I still have a little drunk in my system
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
