he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
