the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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