I'm laying in your front yard are you home
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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