I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
