My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
