She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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