I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
