Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
