so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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