she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
