And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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