Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
