I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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