ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
