I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
