i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I want to walk on stilts...naked
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
