my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
