And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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