I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
is wine microwaveable?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
