i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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