Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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