drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
