she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
