No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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