you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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