forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
