the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
