He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
