Non-Jews are for practice
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
