gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
