she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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