I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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