thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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