Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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