Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
