dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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