8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
