my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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