Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
