9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
