Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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