I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
