I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
