the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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