She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
