If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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