I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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