I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
