end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
