There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
