That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You were trust falling into bushes
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
