plz talk dirty to me
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
