Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
