Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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